Oftentimes, I ask myself- Am I really a person? Do I really have what qualifies as a personality? Do I have a fixed set of identifiers which a person can describe me as?
Then I ask myself why I am asking myself this. I ask because at times I feel that I am no more than a chameleon’s skin. Not only do I adapt according to my surroundings but also adopt the personality of those around me. I start acting like those people, with no real original thought or action when I am surrounded by people. Perhaps original thought is not the correct term. When I sit down to write, I can write well. But when we talk, that is when I am at a loss of words. It is strange for me to come up with any bit of original or funny or sarcastic comment when amongst friends. I am more comfortable with copying their funny comments and using them over and over.
Of course I want to get over this habit. I assume that I too was born with the funny bone, just that it’s not as big as Chandler’s. I want to us it. I want to be able to think up funny comments. I too want to be liked. Or perhaps I am wrong in assuming that being funny is what being liked is all about. Maybe the characteristics I associate with myself- being polite, accommodating and chivalrous to some level are what can classify me as a likable person. Perhaps my friends do not just tolerate me but accept me for who I am and like me for who I am. Which is when I ask myself once again – Who am I?
Am I the same person who copies others’ personalities because he’s insecure about his own? Am I putting this post as private because I am afraid that this emotional outburst will only make me more vulnerable to jokes and hurt me more if it becomes public? Is this emotional outburst associated to my coming to this new place and settling in with new friends, which seems to be an activity I’ve been doing since birth but have never been comfortable with? Or is this outburst related to my realization that I do not have a funny comic side which I think is essential for people to like me?
Will I have enough courage to press the Publish button at the end of writing this down instead of saving it as a draft?
Who am I?